Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Contents on him: one crushed cigarette and broken lighter

The day started with Jonah Tajmatan silently cursing at his lighter and unlit cigarette on Benson Street. Not only had he woken up late for class, but now the only vice he could truly rely on, wouldn't "work". The day did not start well.

He picked up his pace and crossed the busy street unto Brownstone Boulevard. After stuffing his broken lighter and failed cigarette back into his jeans pocket, Jonah suddenly detected the sweet smell of Raja. But of course this couldn't be true, India had kept her. The sudden brought memory of her, stung him and slowed him down in his fast pace. But the clock was still ticking, Jonah could not be late once again to the hell some called senior year at Benedict T. Jones. So he picked up the pace once again and decided to forget Raja for the time being, because one day he would have to begin to forget her.

He was greeted by Alec on the steps leading to the main door. Alec was the first classmate to introduce himself when Jonah moved. Automatically, they became best friends. He baptized him as Taj and showed him around this crooked town. The boys were closer than brothers, yet Alec's blonde hair and bright blue eyes contrasted Jonah's dark Indian eyes and hair.Their secret handshake started the school day while they rushed into the building.

5 comments:

  1. good first line "but now the only vice he could truly rely on..."
    maybe add how he met Raja, and how long ago he moved here and how he met Alec.
    Its gripping and I want to read more...

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  2. I would like to know more about your other vices.

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  3. Good start, but I don't really think the character has a voice yet, I want to know a little more about how his day is effected by his life rather than just reading about the first couple minutes of his day.

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  4. At first I was a little confused about "Raja," but that was just because of how your sentence was structured. After I read it again I got it. You introduced a ton of stuff here, and it was all really interesting, but now I would really like to know more about all the things you mentioned... Like Jonah's past, what sort of relationships he has with his parents, what happened with Raja, etc. I'm also wondering about his personality. I got a taste of him, but not much information to actually feel like I know him. I'm interested in hearing more, for sure.

    I really liked all your little details – sometimes they were a little TOO well hidden, but it worked. Things like "the only vice he could truly rely on."

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  5. Hi. I really liked how you called city block "this crooked town." I also really liked your talk of vices, but I won't get into that, it seems like it's been covered.

    I really wish I could get to know "Taj" better... this post short and sweet, but I hope the next is slightly longer. But the shortness of this one works with his blunt personality...

    It would be interesting if he started to feel like he was over Raja and hooked up with another girl. It'd be crazy to see how he felt after that... angry at himself or guilty or what...

    I like this character a lot... keep it up.

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